I Converted for the Guilt

During a recent trip to visit my Grandpa (“Papa”), who is now my only living grandparent (he is the husband of 62 years to my Grandma that passed in May), we visited his new church with him.  It is the new location of a church that I belonged to as a child when we lived in that area.

Papa had long since wanted to go to church, but hadn’t because my Grandma didn’t want to.  In the last days of her life, she had a visit from the (Episcopalian) priest from that church, as well as a visit right after her death.  So, my Aunt and Papa started attending the church just after Grandma’s passing.

On their second week there, we were all back visiting and so we all attended.  (My family also went to Mass the night before.)  While we were at the small Episcopal Church, they talked about a fund raising effort that they were having, as they were far behind budget.  My Aunt decided that we should all donate toward this fund raiser, in memory of my Grandma.

When I gave my check to the priest (with the treasurer nearby), I said, “Look!  Even the Catholic girl is donating.”  He and I both laughed, as he had repeatedly given me a hard time for being Catholic and nobody in my family taking Communion during his home visits or during the service.  (He said these mostly in jest, as he grew up Catholic and was formerly a Catholic priest.)

The treasurer quickly jumped in, “You know, the Episcopal Church is just like the Catholic Church, but without all the guilt,” as a selling point to why I should join their church instead.

We were in a hurry, so all I did was politely laugh and say, “I was Episcopalian for thirty years before we converted to Catholicism.”

“Oh, so you know about the church,” he said.  Oh yeah, I know about the church, I thought.

If we hadn’t been in a hurry, I wanted to say, “I converted for the guilt.”  But, I knew that might get into a longer answer than I had time to give.

One often only feels guilty when they are doing something they know they are not supposed to do, or they have not done something that they should do.  (Of course, there are sometimes when some feels guilty for no reason good reason, but let’s put that aside for a minute.)

I wanted a church where there were expectations on how you lived your life – from what you ate on Lenten Fridays to making sure you went to Mass every weekend (and on Holy Days of Obligation) to just about all of those little nuances that make some people feel the Catholic Church is “behind the times.”  I wanted that church with a long history in which I would feel part of something so much bigger than myself.  I wanted a church where it didn’t feel like anything goes as long as you feel good about it.  I wanted the structure, the history, and the identity of being Catholic.

So, I guess if I had that conversation again, rather than a polite laugh, knowing that our lunch reservations were coming soon, I could just politely smile when he said the Episcopal Church is just like the Catholic Church, but without the guilt, and say, “Yes, I know.  That’s why I converted.”

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