I wrote a long and sordid post about Jack, to commemorate his birthday.
I wrote about how very much we wanted to add a second child into our family.
I wrote about the whirlwind experience of our lives as we prepared for Jack’s birth (including moving twice in five days, just two weeks before he was born).
I wrote about the deep depression that I suffered from, silently, during my pregnancy and postpartum. A depression that couldn’t be silent anymore once the night came that I considered doing unspeakable things.
I wrote about how God blessed us by giving him a serious heart defect. It was the thing that brought me out of a depression to know how fragile Jack was, and that I needed to love him and protect him. (And I’m sure that’s why it has consistently gotten better since then, because it served its purpose. Though, he will still need surgery one day.)
I wrote that of the difficulties of raising Jack. Having been one of those kids that knows how to push your buttons, and then knows to point it out, in case you failed to notice, raising Jack has had to be accompanied by a lot of prayer. (And also the need to always look at those sparkly eyes and shining smile.)
I wrote about how Jack has come in to his own. While he can still be strong-willed and tiring, he has also become this smart and funny boy. He has become a kid that I not only love, but I really, really like him.
I wrote all those things. I wrote all the details, all the emotions. I wrote everything.
Then, I deleted it all. It went on and on, it was so long. But still, it seemed inadequate. There were too many words, but there just weren’t enough.
I’m sorry, Jack, in trying to tell your story, I realized that there just weren’t enough words in the world to tell it. Not enough words to truly explain the emotions and the experiences.
All I really have that seems to be adequate is to say –
Our family wouldn’t be the same without you, Jack. Eight years ago, God blessed us our family with your arrival. Sure, it’s true — you make us want to pull our hair out sometimes, but you also make my heart hurt because it is so full. I love you.
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