I have been thinking and thinking about this — feel free to just skip over this blog post — it’s just something that I need to put in writing so that it doesn’t spew out of my mouth at some inappropriate time. My blog helps me to write out some of the things that spin around and around in my head so that they can get out on “paper,” and leave me alone.
So, this is not a typical post from me, but it just has to be done. Sorry.
Okay…so here’s what has my panties in a bind, as they say.
There’s an annual event that we attend. A few years ago, the event organizer was super busy in her life. I thought that I was being really kind, and I offered to host the event. And, honestly, I was also excited. I had never organized it before, and I anxiously awaited her getting back to me to tell me that it was a relief to not have to organize it and that she would be happy for me to do it.
That was not the response I got.
I got a response that made me embarrassed for having offered. I was told that she would just make some changes, but that she was going to organize it because only particular people can organize it, or it’s just not the same. (The funny thing was, I knew this wasn’t true, based on stories I had previously heard from the event organizer. This made me feel even worse.)
Really…I’m not one for holding grudges much. There doesn’t seem to be much point in it. It just makes the grudge holder feel bad, and doesn’t seem to do much to the person that you are upset with. So, let’s just say this isn’t a grudge. It was more of a hurt/embarrassed thing that sticks with you. You know those, right? The ones you remember 25 years later, even though you were only 6 years old when they happened, just because of the emotion attached to it.
Anyway, as promised, the event went as planned.
I never offered to organize it again. The message was received.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I received friendly notice from someone I know. She is organizing the annual event.
Do you know what?
She is not one of those particular people that the organizer talked about when she turned me down.
It seems like it is so many years ago that it shouldn’t matter. But, it makes me feel that same embarrassment that I felt when it first happened. And, it feels like I got that same message again. Only this time, the message is, “It’s just that you can’t organize it. You may pretend like you are part of our circle, but you’re not. Accept it.”
I guess when you couple that with the fact that there are sometimes more events and we just don’t get invited, I think I have begun to accept it. I don’t really understand it, but I accept it.
You can’t be part of every circle that you want to be part of, no matter how you try. That’s just life.
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